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Thread: grandglor's Funny Jokes

  1. #31

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    The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the
    congregation. No one wants him to leave.

    Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him
    with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says:
    "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college
    education of all his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give
    him sex," There is total silence.

    The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head
    from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said....

    "Screw the Preacher."
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  2. #32

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    Quote Originally Posted by grandglor View Post
    Here's another one....

    hahaha

  3. #33

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    hahaha this is a funny joke

  4. #34

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    An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
    4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


    .....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  5. #35

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    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  6. #36

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    I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
    "Hi, how are you?"

    I'm not the type to start a conversation in a public restroom, but I don't
    know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
    fine."

    And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

    What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
    bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling."

    At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
    another question. "Can I come over?"

    Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
    polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy
    right now!!!"

    Then I hear the guy say nervously...

    "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
    who keeps answering all my questions."
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  7. #37

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    A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
    painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
    un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
    stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"

    The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  8. #38

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    A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative
    fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

    The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

    "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

    His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

    "Ever since my wife found it in my car."

    (I always wondered how this trend got started.)
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  9. #39

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    The Bull and the Turkey

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


    Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  10. #40

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    Tribal Wisdom

    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
    generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse,
    the best strategy is to dismount."

    However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

    1. Buying a stronger whip.
    2. Changing riders.
    3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
    4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
    horses.
    5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
    6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
    7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
    8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
    9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
    performance.
    10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
    dead horse's performance.
    11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
    costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
    to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
    12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

    And, of course...


    13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

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