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Thread: grandglor's Funny Jokes

  1. #21

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    A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk asks him, "What size?"

    The guy says, "Gee, I don't know".

    The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

    He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium". The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of the store.

    Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerks asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large". The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.

    A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The kid (embarrassed) says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

    She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  2. #22

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    By The Wagon Load

    One day Little Johnny is walking into town with a wagon load of duct tape. Farmer Jim says "Where are you going with all that duct tape."

    Little Johnny says "I'm going to catch me some ducks"

    "You aint gonna catch no ducks with that there duck tape" Says Farmer Jim. But sure enough, the next day little Johnny comes back with some ducks and a wagon load of Chicken Wire.

    "What are you going to do with all that Chicken Wire? Now don't tell me...." Says Farmer Jim

    Little Johnny says "I'm gonna catch me some chickens"

    "You aint going to catch no chickens with that there Chickenwire" Says Farmer Jim. But sure enough, the next day Little Johnny rolls into town with chickens and a wagon load of PussyWillows

    Farmer Jim says "Is that a wagon load of PussyWillows?"

    "Yup, the finest I could find" says Little Johnny

    Farmer Jim says "Wait, I'll go get my coat"
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  3. #23

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    A man in his 40's bought a new Lexus convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Lexus," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

    The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

    The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  4. #24

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    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself. The same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

    At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked how things went. The man answered, "Not that well.... When I fired the pistol, my wife s**t on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands up in the air."
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  5. #25

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    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

    "I've somethin' to tell ya."

    "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

    "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."

    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, no Brenda, no."

    "No?"

    "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

    source: Random Joke - Jokes4us.com
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  6. #26

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    An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

    "I'm going down to give blood."

    "How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

    "About $30."

    "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

    The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

    "Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

  7. #27

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    Huge Hole

    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

    The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

    The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

    So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.

    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

    The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

    And the old farmer said, " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "
    In my secret life I am gjr1961.

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